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[Monday August 1st, 2005 at 6:23pm] [ music | EXPLOSIONS IN THE SKY ] why do guys have to be so...powerful? they don't even realize it. i'm trying to move on. everything he says or doesn't say, i take to heart. this drawing reminds me of myself and how i would write my feelings out all elaborately. it doesn't work, it never will. Ineedtogetoverhim. helphelphelp. READ (1) COMMENT.

[Sunday July 31st, 2005 at 1:18am] i want a boy really bad. i'm not even picky. i just want someone to be cute with. a boy who will be my best friend, the guy who will drop everything to be with me at anytime no matter what..the guy who will make me smile like no other guy can, and when he smiles i know he needs me..the guy who thinks i'm still beauitful even when i think i'm not. i want a boy who i can make the center of my world casue obvisously i'll be the center of his. i want a guy to chase me for once and pick me a flower and write a song on an acoustic guitar and play it for me. and wisper sweet nothings in my ear and tell me that i'm beautiful and actually mean it. and i want to cuddle and be myself with him, and fall alseep in his arms and stare at the stars with him. who could stand in the rain, spin me around, and laugh cause we're too dizzy for words. someone who could stop everything they're doing, just so they could call. someone who could hold me during a thunderstorm and lay with me on the couch when all the lights are off. a guy who could lay outside with me for hours and ask me about what i want to be, and what i like. someone who would sing to me at random moments. and kick rocks when we walked down the street together. i want someone who wouldn't mind buying me little random inexpensive things whenever given the chance. he would call me all the time to let me know he's thinking about me, we’d make fun of people at the mall together. and we'd always take pictures in photo booths. he'd never turn down a trip to the beach to watch the sunset. or a trip to the roof to lay and look at the stars at night. he'd tell all his friends about me and smile when he did. someone to share lollie pops with. we'd have pillow fights. he wouldn't care if i woke him up. i want a boy who can argue over stupid things with me. he'd love music just as much as i do. i want someone who would lay with me in the grass and look for shapes in the clouds. he would sing every word to every song we play in the car. he'd surprise me all the time. he wouldn't break my heart or lie to me.(or cheat) he'd hold me closer than normal if i was sick. he would draw me pictures. we'd buy disposable camera's and take tons of pictures. i want a boy who would open up to me. who could stay up all night with me. a boy who wouldn't mind if i liked to sleep in his clothes. someone who'd like to lay next to me and hold me all night. and our mission is to fall in love with each other every day, without trying. i am so tired. and i feel so crappy. and i really miss someone. and i don't know how he feels. is it so hard to have someone say, "HEY JENNY I LIKE YOU LET'S GO OUT." i mean i shouldn't whine i know. but i'm in that mood. someone love me. peas? jesus. i haven't been this sad/confused/emo in a long long time. but i'm lonely. really lonely. i'm ok with not having someone's hand to hold. i'm ok with not having a shoulder to lean on. or someone to snuggle up with as we watch a creepy movie. i'm ok with not having someone to fall asleep with. i'm ok with not having someone to spend lazy saturdays with. i'm even ok with not having a date on a friday night when everyone else i'm out with does. but i'm not ok with this emptiness making chaos in my heart. i'm not ok with feeling like shit because i know that i have no one to call at 3 in the morning when I have a bad dream. i'm not ok with crying my guts out for no other reason then for crying. i don't need a fucking reason to be sad. because i am sad. and people telling me that they're "pretty sure stright boys cant hate me to much,im just to damn sexy" and that "i shouldnt be sad cause i'm to pretty to be mad cause i can get any guy i want" makes me just want to hate you. so shut the fuck up stupid cunt faces. cause obvisously i can't get any guy i want casue i want you and i can't have you. okay this is long and not really making any sense. it's late and i'm rambling. but mostly i'm just really lonely and i really want a boyyy. I call out your name but you're miles away please tell me how to deal with that. READ (1) COMMENT.

hey there girls. i'm a cunt. [Thursday July 14th, 2005 at 11:13pm] so today was pretty shitty. i went shopping though and bought alot of stuff for minnesota. but when i got home my faggot cunt father was here. i guess he and my mom have been talking about making me and my siblings go out to dinner with him. since my mom knew i would refuse to go she decides that if i don't go then i can't do anything while in minnesota. and since i want to do stuff in minnesota i basically HAD to go. so bella, jacody, emily, and i went out to dinner with him. jaden would have went but he wasn't home. i refused to talk to him at all. i figured it probably make things easier if i didn't talk at all. so he deicides to say "god jenny why do you have to be such a bitch. here i'm nice enough to take you out to dinner and you can't even talk to me?" that really got to me. since he's SO GODDAMN NICE. grrr. so i just ignored him. and later he's like "so you mom told me you go in trouble. damn. why the fuck do you have to be such a screw up? you can't do anything right can you?" that made me pretty mad so i just got up and walked outside and started to walk home. he ran after me and grabbed my arm and said "don't you fucking walk away from me" i was like DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME. so that pissed him off and BAM. back to old times of me getting my ass beat. so then i started to cry from being in pain and being mad. casue i was mad but couldn't do anything about it. and hes like "wow you little pussy. you can't even take a good beating once in awhile to keep you in line." ijfadjaja i hate him. and now i'm sitting here with a bag of frozen peas on my face to help with the swelling. and basically i went through a night of hell jus to hang out with some cool kids. but i love you. ANNNNNND I'M GOING TO MINNESOTA TOMORROW!! eeee. i'm excited. READ (2) COMMENT.

so this is long. don't waste your time reading this. [Wednesday July 13th, 2005 at 10:45pm] [ music | every time i die - bored stiff ] i am NOT the girl you think i am. i am not who you have made assumptions about. i am not the person your best friend says i am. i am not the girl everyone talks about. i am not what you think. i am neither ordinary, nor extraordinary. i am neither smart, nor stupid. i am neither pretty, nor ugly. i am neither funny, nor serious. i am just me, jenny. i'm the girl you see but don't say anything to. i'm the girl someone mentions and you say "oh yeah, she sat next to me in english". i'm the girl who walks around unnoticed, with such a great story to tell. i'm the girl nobody knows anything about, but yet i know so much... you can't really say you know someone when you don't really know yourself. how do we really know what we want in life? how do we really know what makes us truly happy? because even when you think you're happy and you have this all time high. eventually things come crashing down and you become depressed. no one is ever truly happy all of the time, and if someone says they are, they're lying.. to you and themselves.. but sometimes i feel like i know myself so damn well it's scary.. forget everything you've heard about me. forget everything anyone has told you. it's most likely not true. no one really knows me, so the only way you will get the truth is from me... and i really have to trust you before that happens. sometimes i don't even feel like i fit into my own skin. today i felt like that. i felt so out of place and self conscious. i didn't like that feeling.. at all. life's confusing.. but i like it.. it's funny how fast things change in life. it's funny how someone you thought was your best friend becomes a stranger and how a stranger can instantly become your best friend. i never thought me and mike would go through everything we did. and now we hardly talk to each other. it's strange but amazing how me and jenna hardly said two words to each other last year and now we're pretty much inseparable. i love jenna. she gets me through everything and she's the only person who can truly make me laugh. me and her are pretty retarded and i love it. i'm really, really glad i found someone this year who i know will never, ever leave me in the dark. i hate guys. they are such pigs. seriously. i don't want to have sex with you. i don't want to hear you call me beautiful. i don't want to date you. i don't want to see you do obscene jestures towards me. it's gross. and annoying. especailly if i don't even know you. i think i'm over mike. like REALLY over him. he's been such an ass lately and i know i'm nothing special but i do think i deserve to be treated better than he treats me. and i do think i like someone else but it's hard to tell. and it's not like it'll work out anyways for various reasons. and plus i don't think he feels the same way about me. i love cigarettes and coffee. and sitting in starbucks for hours talking with the greatest people in the world. sometimes i cry all over my pillow. or i'll just scream. sometimes i sing to loud. sometimes i like the attention a little to much. sometimes i over think. sometimes i speak aloud. sometimes i take pictures to see what things look like through my eyes. or others. sometimes i think my only escape is through lyrics. sometimes i try to hard to look pretty. other times i don't want to get up from my bed. sometimes i think that my life is a soundtrack. i can hear the music when something is coming up. i have a song for every moment in my life. sometimes i care to much about people who never cared for me. sometimes i want to be your friend, sometimes i want you dead. then i want to fall in love. sometimes i look at my guitar and wish i didn't suck. then i wish i didn't get so mad. sometimes i get jealous. because i want to be noticed. sometimes i'd rather not exsist. sometimes my words come out beautiful. sometimes nothing comes out. sometimes i wish i wasn't me. sometimes i relize who i am. blah i write and think too much. if you seriously read this whole thing through, i thank you. not just for reading all that writing, but for actually taking the time to understand what i'm trying to say.. 'cause i know it doesn't make much sense. so there you have it. that's me. that's pretty much everything you need to know about me. congratulations, you've been introduced to my thoughts. i hope you enjoyed them =] oh and minnesota in 2 fucking days. =] eeeeeeeee!!! annnnnnnd the new every time i die is amazing. READ (1) COMMENT.

[Monday July 11th, 2005 at 3:16pm] fuck you. COMMENT.

i just want you to know who i am [Wednesday July 6th, 2005 at 3:56am] so i'm back to old habits again. 4 months clean was long enough. if you don't like me because i drink and smoke and shit well then fuck you. obvisously you don't like me enough as a person to see past the fact that i do that stuff. i'm not going to change for you. so get over it. stop trying to change me. i know i shouldn't smoke cause of my asthma and cause i'm on birth control. supposedly if you smoke while on birth control you can have a heart attack or some shit. oh well. my mom still thinks i'm pregnant. even though i'm not. some people are fags and i don't like them. other people i love more than anything. i'm glad to be going away. i hate north carolina. and all the drama in this fucking state. minnesota is going to be amazing. end of story. READ (4) COMMENT.

[Monday July 4th, 2005 at 12:22am] stop making my problems about you. don't ask whats wrong then tell me something thats wrong with you. if i wanted to know i'd fucking ask. &yeah. fuck you you fat whore. you're just jealous. READ (4) COMMENT.

[Monday June 27th, 2005 at 5:59pm] SO SURROUND ME, I NEED ANYTHING, AND YOU, YOU'RE EVERYTHING. I WANT TO LIVE LIKE I DID BEFORE ALL THIS HIT, TO SLEEP IN YOUR ARMS, TO THINK, WE'LL NEVER FALL APART AND OH. ...I'll say goodbye. Do you remember? COMMENT.

[Monday June 27th, 2005 at 12:28am] [ music | the movie life - ship to shore ] whattup. yea, i'm drunk. uhhh i went to see mr and mrs smith today. it was cool. this random guy told me i looked like angelina jolie. HA YEAH RIGHT. then i went to 9th. i haven't gone there in a long long time. i got torero's. yumm. then i went out with my girls. partied. woot. my dad wants custody of me, jacody and emily. but i cant go live with him. he hates me and i hate him too. of course bella doesn't have to go. he likes bella better, at least he never beat her. i'm just a fuck-up. i'm tired of people being fake. and being one way when they're with you and then totally chaing themselves when they are with other people. fuck that. just be yourself. uhhh. yeah. everythings pretty cool. i'm going to minnesota in like 2 weeks. woot. i love my boys that care about me. READ (6) COMMENT.

[Saturday June 18th, 2005 at 7:48pm] mostly my life is fucked up. no one trusts me anymore. i have to go to court. i have to pay a bunch of fines. & i dont have any money as it is. god damn. there goes my summer. READ (1) COMMENT.

oh god i love mike [Friday June 10th, 2005 at 3:03pm] [ music | blink182 ] i love being with mike. we are oh so perfect for eachother. it's just so great all the time, especially when we are together driving in his car, it doesn't matter where we're going, around 6-8 dusk, listening to amazing music that fits the moment unbelievably well, watching the sun set while everything around us begins to get an orangish tint, which slowly fades into blue, then finally into darkness. talking about just, how perfect life is for the both of us. no more school, no worries, no stress. everything now is just about fun.( the rest is behind the cut. i don't want to take up too much room for you guys <3 ) COMMENT.

[Wednesday June 8th, 2005 at 9:33pm] i'm kind of confused out of my mind and i don't know what to do. i miss mike. COMMENT.

[Monday June 6th, 2005 at 11:08pm] i was kind of in a writing mood today. this is long so i guess i can understand why you wouldn't read it. but you should. This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give it up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either. This is for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is a homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats, who are more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea” to “time heals all wounds”. This is to honor those girls who know that the guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it. This is for girls who have never been in love, but know that it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments, and explicit invitations that they’d rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn’t care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend. This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won’t because it’s easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship. This is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over her, he’s just not looking to be tied down. This is for the girls who believe the excused because it’s easier to believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone to cavalier to have cared in the first place. This is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little to near, or talking a little too softly to the girl he’s with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship… it was that he didn’t want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep. This is for the “I really like you, so let’s be friends” comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended. This is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friend, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy. This is for the despair you felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something. This is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more. This is for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys. This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than when their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful. Men despair that no good woman wants to share in their lives, that girls play mind games, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call… and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and wroth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the ‘stalker chic’ you’d met the night prior, who call you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told you the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once more again return to the bar or club or some party scene and search for this ‘nice girl’ who you just cannot seem to find? Because there lies the truth guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intramural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father. You’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it. So don’t say you’re on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover, sometimes we go in disguise, sometimes when that girl in low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won’t answer your catcalls, sometimes you’re looking at a nice girl in whore’s clothing. We might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we’re all thinking the same thing: “This isn’t me. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be wearing a tee-shirt and flannel shorts, I’ll have slept alone and I’ll be making my hung over best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me.” You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don’t want the nice girl, so don’t say you’re looking for a relationship. Relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we’re willing to extend, but in return, we’re looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe the nice guys finish last, but in the race they’re running they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy targets. The nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won’t matter), hoping that maybe you’ll realize that they’re the ones that you want at the end of that silly race. So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we’re waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat… because what’s a concession stand at a race without some chocolate? i got a new bathing suit its cute <3 READ (4) COMMENT.

[Monday June 6th, 2005 at 9:02pm] her silence screams liar but her words cry 'I'm sorry' her kiss says lover and her blushing cheeks bleed 'I don’t love you' her touch pulls towards his staying but her eyes long to see him to walk away her smile fades into 'this is not enough' and her tears fall on 'this was too fast' her lips trembled with passion but her hair blows in the other direction his silence screams 'I forgive you' but his words cry 'no your not' his kiss says lust and his blushing cheeks bleed 'you're not good enough' his touch pushes towards the open door but his eyes long to see her more his smile brightens into 'this is going well' and his tear fall on 'this is great' his lips trembled with passion and his hair blows in the same direction READ (2) COMMENT.

[Tuesday May 31st, 2005 at 3:25pm] i miss wayy too many people.. COMMENT.

[Monday May 16th, 2005 at 8:52pm] i've never been this happy. i have an amazing boyfriend. i have amazing friends. neither of which i come close to deserving. but i'm ever grateful for all of them. school's almost over. i have mono and it suckssss. and i loooovee youuuu. COMMENT.

[Wednesday May 4th, 2005 at 8:06pm] i really truely love my boyfriend. i havent been happy in so long i think actually since last year... mike makes me happy and now i have something to look forward to i have so much in my life and sometimes i just wonder why does he put up with me and also how i got such a good guy. i love you alot mikey. <3333 READ (3) COMMENT.

[Saturday April 16th, 2005 at 9:17am] [ mood | content ] [ music | this day and age - second place victory ] i cannot explain to you what i feel for mike in words. honestly, he is the most amazing person i know; plain and simple. like he's so much more than just my boyfriend, he's also my best friend. i feel absolutely comfortable around him...alright i'm dumb. but i'm just letting you all know how happy i feel :] haha.. moving on. yesterday was amazing. plain and simple. alright, well i'm going tanning today. then hanging out with a hot boy. love is the power of knowing. knowing the right person is in your life. and they will continue to be. its the power to drive by old flame's houses, neighborhoods, places of work, and not even glance over + think "how are they doing?" love is crying for hours, but never leaving each others side. love is re-establishing yourself. the self you once lost. the self that was hidden so deep, you even forget their name. love is amazing. and real. i forgot that for awhile, but im sure of it now. READ (1) COMMENT.

[Monday April 11th, 2005 at 4:39pm] [ mood | cheerful ] i just wanted to say that im dying without you..and that i miss you more than ever, i can NOT stop thinking about you..and i love you more than anything. -mike i love him. COMMENT.

[Sunday April 10th, 2005 at 8:10pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | from autumn to ashes -- chloroform perfume ] my weekend was pretty good. me and justin hung out on friday. we made cookies and watched movies. i wanted mike to come over too but he has pink eye. so i decided to be nice and take him some cookies. saturday i went to the mall with ashley and jackie. i got new shoes and some sunglasses. their hot. i wish my camera didn't break in germany otherwise i'd take pictures. i visited mike. then came home. later my bestest friend came over and we watched movies and old tv game shows. today i didn't do anything since i have pink eye. it blows. everyone that went on the trip is getting it. justin, ashley, jackie, chirs, mike, and now me. mike gave it to me since i hung out with him friday and saturday but it's okay. i still love him. ♥ mike and i are going to prommm =] hope you all had a good weekend. COMMENT.

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